The Locker Room

I would hate to fire off all of the good stories at once, so I'll start with a constant issue that I'll most likely touch on more than once - the dirty locker room.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not asking much in terms of a locker room. I would prefer there be a place to piss, a place to drop a deuce, and a place to change from my work uniform into my cool street clothes. Although these things are present, there is a certain dirtiness factor that is applied that makes this an issue.

Let us begin with the toilets. Allow me to set up the scenario for you. You've just run into the locker room with a very intense bout of bubble gut. You know what I'm talking about. Your stomach is gurgling and the pain factor is pretty high. You rush to the stall the unleash the fury when you happen across a piss and vomit stained toilet seat. That's right, piss AND vomit. This is perplexing on many levels, but the two things you can put together briefly while trying not to shit your pants is someone is a) drunk or b) sick. Now you'd think that you could rule out the drunk part pretty easily, but I know for a fact several of my colleagues either show up drunk (a fantastic story for another time) or they will meet at a certain time and take shots to give them that boost they need to face the day. Aside from it being gross as hell and you could easily catch a disease from the piss/vomit combo, it's pretty annoying that someone has done this and decided that it was just too beautiful to clean up and leaves their masterpiece to be viewed by the next man who may not have time to switch to another stall due to his intense diarrhea attack.Whatever, you don't have time to deal with the piss/vomit artist so you reach for some toilet paper, only there isn't any. You desperately fumble around for something and come up empty. You decide to switch over to the only other stall only to find it to be without TP as well. At this point, all people elevate themselves (or lower their standards) to a Macguyver status of poop management. You can look at things like wet rotten leaves and say, "Yeah, that could work." Well, fortunately for you, there are some of those thin toilet seat covers scattered on the floor by the previous person who obviously had the same problem as you. You're also in luck because this new stall doesn't have vomit on the seat, so it's a quick wipe down of the seat (you can't afford to use a seat cover because this could be a pretty serious deuce) and you're on your way to relieving your pain.

You feel relief on its way and as you turn your head to the right to take a breath of fresh air, you notice several dots on the wall. As you take a closer look, you realize that the entire stall wall is covered in fossilized snot. You turn away to your left to avoid gagging only to find the left wall is covered in them as well. Allow me to add another disgusting detail to the boogers. When one of our engineers was repainting the locker room walls, he took a metal scraper and tried with all of his might to remove the hardened boogers. He gave up at one point and decided it was best to paint over the dried snot. If you look closely, you can see bumps in the paint from the previous layer of boogers.

Look upon the wall of evil.

Right now you're probably saying, "That's pretty gross, but how often do you get the poop attacks like that? I mean, I'll probably be using the urinal most of the time because I'm a good person and I don't want to pee on the toilet seats." In a normal business, you'd probably be right. But you're not in a normal business, are you? No...you're at MY hotel!
So you go to use the urinal and you are presented with this:

Seems like these guys hit the floor a lot.

I didn't know urinals could look this way.

Have fun pissing in there! And don't mind the fruit flies flying out of the urinal cake as you piss on them. They're usually gone by winter anyway.You're probably thinking, "Okay, so I'll just decide to hold all of my bodily functions for 8 hours until I get home. No problem. I'll just go in this place to change my clothes and I'll be out." Fair enough. You'll just run into the locker room that has no ventilation (so when someone poops or pisses on the floor, the smell will never escape), hold your breath, change, and be done in 2 minutes. Good for you. Just be careful where you look though because you never know what you'll find around your locker...

Ribbed for your working pleasure.

That's right. You might stumble across a Trojan Magnum condom just lying there on the floor. First of all, no one would ever need a Magnum considering most regular condoms can fit over your head and can be blown up with your nose (assuming you're cool enough to use them that way). Second of all, why the hell is this on the ground in the damn locker room and why did I find it at 5:45am? I'm sure some man with an enormous ego and a tiny penis "dropped" it and thought, "Oh, no! My ridiculously large condom fell out of my wallet and landed on the floor of the men's locker room! I guess I'll get it later. I'll be sure to nudge it over by my locker so everyone will know it's mine." Thanks for letting us know you're overcompensating.

So let's recap here:

• Always check for toilet paper when entering the stalls. In the event of a TP shortage, hope to hell there are toilet seat covers to compensate.
• Beware of gratuitous urine and vomit on the toilet seat. It could be your ticket to a wonderful disease-laden weekend.
• Do not touch the stall walls. The rock-hard boogers can draw blood if touched.
• Dodge the fruit flies while pissing in the urinal. You probably don't mind if they touch you with your pee, but they've been there all day and they've been swimming in everyone else's.
• Hold your breath. The locker room will smell like stale urine, cigarettes, fermented feces, and disappointment.
  
• Be on the defensive at all times. There's no telling what is lurking in the locker room besides Trojan Magnums.
  

"So I heard you found my condom..."