Start a fight, get a free night

This epic tale happened very recently and requires an immediate telling. Be prepared - it's full of stupid.

So there is a man who was traveling from Australia. Now, you may not know much about Australia, but that place is known to be a large piece of hell. Keep that in mind. I'll bring it up again later.So this man (we'll call him Aussie to be original) travels from Australia to my fair city. This total trip time is over thirty hours. Mr. Aussie does not sleep throughout his entire trip. This alone should be cause for a medal. Anyway, Aussie arrives at the hotel, and decides to go to bed early so he can have a nice full day after a good night's sleep. This guy goes up to his room and realizes that he can't sleep. That's life for you - always finding ways to fuck with you.

Boom!

So Aussie can't sleep. He decided to do what any sensible person would do after being awake for 33 hours and have a couple of shots of whiskey. This apparently did the trick. However, Aussie had to go to the bathroom and some point and was described to be sleep walking. Aussie hadn't really oriented himself with the hotel room and instead of heading to the bathroom to take a piss, he went out the door into the hallway and locked himself out. I might add that Aussie was only in his underwear.

How embarrassing...

Aussie used all of his sleep walking powers and decided to bang on his door to make it open with violence. A logical thought. The only problem was that he wasn't banging on his door, but his neighbor's instead. We are now introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Cock - Aussie's neighbors.

Get off my lawn you damn kids!

Mr. and Mrs. Cock are alarmed by the banging and went to the door to see what was going on. You would assume that after looking through the peep hole and seeing a 60 year-old man banging on their door in his underwear and not responding to any poorly constructed old person jokes they could yell at the stranger on the fly, they did the most sensible thing and called down to the front desk to report the incident. You would be completely wrong. After seeing this very strange man, they decided to open the door.

Apparently these guys had never seen a vampire movie.

So the Cocks have opened the door and the sleeping walking Aussie does what any sleep walking Aussie would do when he has to take a piss - he walks into the room. This is where it gets interesting. Upon entering the room, Mr. Cock TACKLES Aussie. Cock somehow finds the time to call the front desk and request some assistance from security. Mrs. Cock decides to call the police and tell them that Aussie has invaded their room and is carrying a gun. Around 10 cop cars swarm the scene, expecting a showdown. They must have been very disappointed.

While getting handcuffed and tossed around on the ground, Aussie wakes up and realizes that his prison nightmare is fast becoming a reality. Not only is Aussie surrounded by cops who are subduing him, but he is also in his underwear and there is a rumor that he had pissed himself.

Now, here's where the story jumps to epic status. This whole situation has escalated out of control and my boss has assembled all parties involved and taken them down to the main office to have a chat and figure out what the hell is going on. Mr. and Mrs. Cock are aggressive and are touting their status. Apparently Mr. Cock is actually a "doctor" and feels the need to state this fact to my boss. My boss sarcastically asks what kind of doctor he is, and Mr. Cock replies that he is a chiropractor. My boss chuckles and says, "So you're not a doctor." Giant balls points are awarded to my boss.

So Mr. and Mrs. Cock are complaining about the security of the hotel and how they feel violated. They are very pushy and very loud and my boss decides to comp their room for the night to make them happy. Let me repeat that: this couple opened their door to a stranger, tackled him and wrestled him to the ground, called the cops, got this man handcuffed, he possibly pissed himself, and they got a FREE night at the hotel. Let that sink in for a second...

Pow! I just earned myself a free night at the hotel!

Mr. and Mrs. Cock get their free night and Aussie gets nothing but embarrassment and is even told later that his actions cost the hotel money. Aussie offered to pay for this loss and wrote a letter of apology to the Cocks. Did he get a discount? Nope. He had the wonderful distinction of letting everyone know that he has a urination problem and is taking medication for depression. Talk about justice.

With all of this in mind, I've decided to pitch a new marketing tactic for the hotel: Start a Fight, Get a Free Night! We'll see how far it goes.